During my morning reading and prayer time today I began thinking about our adoption. We have no clue where we're at in the process right now; our caseworker has been out of the office for the last week. We've been waiting to hear that we've been placed in the "pool" with other prospective adoptive parents.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I try not to think about our adoption out of fear that my thinks will turn into dwells and those can sometimes turn into anxiety attacks. But, I have so much downtime on my hands right now (I refuse to touch school stuff until July!) until my class starts up next week. It's hard to keep my mind from wandering to the topic. Perhaps I'm more prone to thinking about our adoption because I just started reading Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know. Our caseworker recommended that our families read it, but I wanted to read it first before I bought copies for our relatives. We're supposed to acquire a certain number of education points in a year, so last Saturday we attended half a training for foster parents and now I'm reading this book---it's hard to keep from dwelling on adoption with requirements like this. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that our agency requires couples to learn more about adoption as they wait to be placed with a child, but it's hard sometimes reading these books and attending workshops when there is no guarantee that we will become parents through adoption.
Today I was struck with panic as I thought that if our adoption does go through, our child could be completely different than us. I've come to accept that our child will not look like us---and I'm okay with that. But I don't know why I haven't thought of the other aspect of this---our child will not have our genes and therefore will have unique quirks unrelated to us. As I prayed I thought---what if our child has a learning disability and doesn't share my passion for reading, writing and learning? What if our child has not an ounce of musical talent? I know we will love our child unconditionally--even if he/she doesn't share our passions for music and learning. But ever since Nate and I married five years ago, I've had these dreams of what our child would be like: an active child who prefers playing outside to sitting inside watching TV, an inquisitive child who is a voracious reader and never fears to ask why, a child who shares our sense of humor, a singer who plays a variety of instruments, one who is not afraid to be an individual even if it means going against the crowd and one who craves fruits and veggies rather than candy bars (I realize that one is a long shot!). I know that many of these qualities involve nurture just as much as genetics. But who knows what kind of experiences our child will bring to our family. I've got to prepare myself for this.
If you're a praying person, you can be praying that God would prepare my heart to love whatever child He may give us. You can also pray that God would calm my soul as I feel it getting anxious as I wonder if or when we will become parents---pray that I would be embracing of God's timetable and willing to let go of mine (you'd think after three years I'd be better at this!).