Prairies, vulnerability, and relationships

One of the paths at The Crane Trust

Out here in the open prairie, there's a sense of vulnerability. There are no trees, no buildings, no people to hem me in. I am exposed on all sides. My bright blue jacket is a stark contrast to the golds and browns and grays of the prairie waking up after a cold winter. I find myself walking slower out here, more cautiously, my head swinging from side to side searching for any signs of danger. My right hand clasps my runner's mace--just in case.

One mile into my wandering, though, I can feel a loosening in all my muscles as my body relaxes and my stride quickens. Now comfortable with my surroundings, the threat of danger has passed. I let my eyes focus on only what is right in front of me--a path through the tall wild grasses. I'm finally able to enjoy the solitude. There are not many places a person can go to get pure solitude without a hundred distractions.  

A bare cottonwood

I come to a lone cottonwood in the middle of the prairie. Her branches reach out tall and bare; her leaves--dried and gray crunch beneath my feet. There's a bleached white log next to the tree inviting me to sit awhile, to dig my notebook out from my satchel, and write. I am exposed from all sides in the open prairie, but still, I sit and write, spilling some of my deepest thoughts on this ivory Moleskine paper.

Fighting for chemistry in my marriage

This is not us. These people are much swankier. 

My husband and I married young. I was newly 20 and he was on the brink of 24--a fresh college graduate. We dated for six months before he proposed to me with a fortune cookie at a cute little park in our college town. There seemed to be an instant chemistry between the two of us. He made me laugh in an honest way, and he seemed to love me despite how different we were. It was an easy thing to fall in love with him (hopefully he can say the same thing). Now we are ten years into this marriage gig and are having to work hard each day to maintain the chemistry that once came so easy to us.

3 Thoughtful Ways to Support a Friend Struggling With Infertility

If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that my husband and I struggle with infertility. We learned of it over six years ago since then have added to awesome school-aged kids to our family via foster-adoption. But I tell 'ya--infertility is freaking terrible. I've got a few friends now who have struggled with it or who are in the middle of their struggle, and I just hate it. I hate infertility, and I hate the insensitivity and lack of awareness in our culture today despite how prevalent it is. So, after talking with a friend who is currently battling these insensitive comments, I wrote this piece. It was posted on Parent.Co this week, so here's a teaser:

"Chances are, someone in your social circle is struggling with [infertility]. Studies show that, “Close to one in six U.S. couples don’t get pregnant despite a year of trying – after which doctors typically recommend evaluation for infertility….”  Most people, especially in the early stages of infertility, won’t wave their infertility banner high. They may not even whisper this fact to their closest family and friends.

My husband and I struggled quietly and carried the load by ourselves for nearly two years. We endured negative pregnancy tests each month and a barrage of medical testing on our own as we struggled to accept our assumed infertility. You may not know for certain if one of your friends or family members is struggling with infertility, but you probably have a hunch. Once we mustered up the courage to share the news about our infertility with those close to us, many commented they suspected we’d been struggling with this.

Whether you know for a fact, or you simply believe that someone close to you may be struggling with infertility, there are things you can do to help folks walking this precarious road..." Click here to read the full post! 

What I've learned throughout (almost) 10 years of marriage

On July 29th, my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage...10 YEARS, PEOPLE!

We were so young....

This is cause for celebration because marriage is so. damn. hard. Can I get an Amen up in 'her?!? I got married as a newly-minted 20 year old--straight outta my teen years--and while I've always been a bit of an old soul, I learned to be an adult during my earliest years of marriage. Here are just a few things I've learned as a married gal:

Adult onset introversion

A few weeks ago, my family traveled out of town to spend time with friends, so on Sunday, we attended their church for the first time. Our kids were slightly apprehensive about attending the children's ministry, but once we got them up to the room and they heard lively worship music and saw kids jumping in a bounce house, they they had a sudden burst in confidence and ran off leaving us in their dust. When we picked them up after church, they chattered about the new friends they made. In the hour that we were separated, they were able to make one friend a piece. Admittedly, I was slightly jealous.  In the 10 months that I've lived in this new town, I've managed to make approximately two friends...TWO. My kids have seriously put me to shame in the friends-making department.

Hipster friends at an abandoned gas station

It wasn't always this way for me. As a child, I was never at a loss for friends. There was a group of kids that played baseball and football together in our neighborhood. I played basketball at recess with Kevin and Andrew formed a secret club with Jenny, Tracy, and Becca. Even after a move to a new town in the 7th grade, I managed to befriend people other than my cousin who was the same age as me. Most of these friendships lasted throughout high school, and I'm still friends with Hannah, Autumn, and Celeste--a friendship that has lasted since we were in the 7th grade. Even in college, when it was time to start over without the people who had been my safety net for six years, I managed to form meaningful relationships with others. But something changed when I hit my late 20s. And now, I'm creeping closer to 30 and am finding it damn near impossible to meet people in this new town I'm living in.

I could list a hundred awkward quirks that are unique to me that might prevent me from engaging well with others (like the fact that I'm terrible at small talk, freeze up in large group situations, and nearly every sentence I utter starts with Today on NPR...). But I'm betting that I'm not the only person who struggles with meeting new people and forming meaningful relationships as an adult. Maybe we can call it: Adult onset introversion. Do we just become more introverted with age? Honestly, it feels like too much work to meet people and form relationships (I KNOW...I'M TERRIBLE). it's easier to just sit in my rocking chair and enjoy the people in my home. I'm conflicted, though, because I know we were put on this earth to connect with others--and a large part of me wants to form meaningful relationships with others especially in my new community that is actually not so new since I've lived here 10 months now. So, sufferers of adult onset introversion: How do you connect with others? What quick and dirty tips can you provide those of us whose kids are putting us to shame in the friends' department?

Opportunities, Jesus, and a hundred What-Ifs

A year ago we were living in Omaha; my husband was the choir director at a huge school, and I had just left my full-time career teaching high school English. We were adjusting to being a family of four with two special needs kiddos from foster care that required more of our time and energy then we thought. On top of this, we were facing uncertainty about our careers and whether or not we should stay in Omaha. Fast forward a year later and we are living in my husband's hometown, three houses from a cornfield in an area where, on a clear night, the stars are penetrating and the silence is noteworthy. I am working part-time, and my husband is teaching middle school music where his only outside of school commitments are a two-month show choir season and only two concerts a year..which seems like he's working part-time compared to all of his previous teaching gigs. Our schedules are more free and flexible than they ever have been before. And during one of my quiet reflection moments a few months ago, I reflected on all of this and felt like we were suddenly in a season of opportunity. 

Not my arms. Not my Bible. 

Immediately, I begged God to spare me from opportunities that required me to be social because I am AWKWARD and introverted.

The story our actions tell

I have a serious sugar addiction that I blame on my mother and my grandfather. Before I had children, I could happily indulge in candy and ice cream in my living room at 4:30 in the afternoon. Now that I have children, I have to sneak my sweets (I am too selfish to share them with my kids, #FoReal).

This is what it looks like when I eat a box of chocolates....

I swear--my kids can hear me opening a tiny box of Nerds from across the damn house because EVERY TIME I am about to eat their Halloween/Valentines/Easter candy, in the privacy of a locked bathroom, they come a running from the depths of their basement playroom, yelling, "MOM! WHAT ARE YOU EATING?!" Now that I'm a mom, my behavior (and my sugar addiction) simply is not overlooked.

Strength in Accepting Help

Here is a snippet of my latest post on Her View From Home; feel free to read it and share it on social media if you're feeling generous!

One Sunday afternoon before dinner with friends, I frenetically paced the kitchen finishing the prep work for dinner. Appearing to be strung out on meth, I washed dishes, scrubbed counters, tidied our office nook, and packed the kids' lunches for the next day. When I slip into this state of crazy, there is no pause between shifting tasks. It never occurs to me to ask for help......

To read more from this post, click here! 

Reaching out to our neighbors

So here's the deal: I am an introvert, but I also have a desire to connect on a meaningful level with people. Connecting with folks on a level that goes beyond the surface is essential for me to feel good about life. Conversely, I happen to be terrible at small talk. I'm the person who goes on and on about the weather because I don't know how to do small talk. In large groups, I'm the awkward person who either is super loud (seriously, why do I lose all ability to control my voice in social situations?!) or who takes the conversation to a new level of weird or inappropriate. Now that I've thrown all that out on the table for you: I'll add that in three weeks my family is hosting an old fashioned ice cream party in our driveway for our ALL of our neighbors...who we don't know.

I can only picture how this will go...and this picture IS NOT PRETTY. So...why are we doing this?!?

Why I choose to surround myself with women

Note: This post originally appeared here on Her View from Home. If you're feeling kind--click on the link--I depend on a certain number of views to be paid for my work. And if you're feeling extra generous, share the link with your friends. There are some great posts up on HVFH, so take a minute to check a few out and give these writers some love. 

In my high school days I had a handful of close female friends, but most of my weekends were spent “chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool” (Fresh Prince of Bel Air anyone?!?) with a group of high school boys. These friendships tended to be void of drama and simpler. We could hang out in a basement and do nothing but play guitar and watch sports with the volume muted in sweatpants while eating something fried and cheap from Amigos and we enjoyed ourselves. It was glorious – when I was 16. Eventually, though, I grew tired of all the farting; I grew older, and I got married. As I near the big 3-0, I realize that my relationship priorities have changed; and to my surprise, most of my close friends are now female for these four reasons:

They encourage. I’ve noticed that, for the most part, women are encouragers especially to those they love. Whether it’s a text, an email, a handwritten card, or just in conversation–my female friends build me up. It seems selfish, but they make me feel like I matter. Their encouragement has pushed me through some of the most difficult seasons of my life.

They listen. Some of the best conversations I’ve had have been with my female friends. They don’t seem distracted by technology during face to face time. They ask questions, showing their interest in whatever I have to say. I can count on my female friends to listen without judgment. They don’t try to fix things when they’re broken, and they don’t try to fix me when I’m broken.

 

They relate. Naturally, over the years my life has become more than sports and music. I spend the majority of my time mothering or balancing work and mothering. While I have an introverted soul, I also realize that we must connect with others in order to survive life. As I’ve launched myself into this mom-gig, I’ve felt inadequate, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Most of the men I know may feel these things periodically, but these emotions aren’t often consuming like they are for women. I’m thankful that my female friends and I can relate because we use this common miserable bond to survive.

 

They motivate. The women I consider close friends are incredible teachers juggling a difficult job with parenting. They are athletes who push their bodies to new limits. They are wives who love their husbands and never speak an unkind word about them. They are writers who take my thinking to new levels. They are mothers who love their kids through all the pee, the stand-offs over broccoli, and the ridiculous tantrums. They are creatives who make beauty out of scraps. They are intelligent, well read, and critical. And they all do their thing while juggling a million other things, and even when they stumble–they pick themselves back up with an enduring grace and keep going. My female friends motivate me to be better.

 

My 16-year-old self would likely be mortified if she were to know that in 13 years her best friends would be women. And while my 29-year-old self still prefers sweatpants over adult pants and enjoys playing guitar and watching college football, I am thankful that my relationships have evolved because these women in my life, they are among the best friends I have ever had.

Protecting My Marriage

My favorite wedding pic...

I've been thinking a lot lately about marriage. We've been married for about eight and a half years, and in this time we've watched quite a few of our friends' and acquaintances marriages crumble. Each time we hear of another couple we know separating or divorced, I just get so sad. There's no other way to describe it.

It's no lie: Marriage is hard. The first three years of our marriage were rough as we struggled to figure out how to be grown ups (we were both young) and how to be married. I was in my third year of college and Nate in his first year of teaching, so we had no money; we were insecure ourselves and insecure in our relationship with each other. Quite honestly, I think I expected my marriage to fail, so when times got tough, divorce seemed like a solution. It was always a passing thought, but there was one argument in the parking lot of the Columbus Hy-Vee--I don't remember what the issue was, but I mentioned divorce out loud to Nate through sobs. I didn't ask for a divorce or anything, but I said something like, "Maybe we can't fix this..." but we did. We dug our heels in the metaphorical ground, and screamed and cried it out. And in the car that night, we decided that divorce was not an option for us. Some will argue with me, label me as idealistic, and throw out "what if" scenarios. Our marriage has never been perfect. We've hurt each other (sometimes deliberately), we've been tempted, we've been unkind, we've been torn apart by grief, and we've been confused, but I simply refuse to give up on my marriage. I've thought a lot about why our marriage hasn't ended in divorce. I keep coming back to these qualities:

1. We realize our need for a Savior, so we share a foundation in Christ that drives our decisions and sometimes, our actions (we both could use some improvement in this area!).
2. We have fun together. One of the things I love about my husband is his sense of humor and fun-loving personality. We don't do a great job of going or getting out, but we laugh a lot. Even if we're just doing mundane housework at home or watching a stupid YouTube video, we manage to find ways to laugh by being sarcastic.
3. We talk. Too many couples don't find time to talk honestly, and we struggle with this at certain points each year. When our communication decreases, the tension increases, so we try to touch base with each other. We talk after school, as we're getting dinner ready, after we put the kids to bed, and as we fall asleep. These chats aren't always sit down, face to face talks that last a long time. Sometimes they're phone convos, sometimes they're short. We make do with the time we have. It's not always convenient or comfortable, but we realize it must be done.
4. We try to be honest. This is the most difficult for me, I think. I'm not a pathological liar who likes to keep secrets from her husband, but because I'm a thinker and a dweller, I will run things over in my head for weeks wondering if what I have to say will upset or hurt Nate. I'll come up with five different ways to talk to him about whatever it is I need to say instead of just saying it, so before I can even get it out, I've exhausted myself. Then when I do finally say something to Nate, I'm often at the end of my rope. I'm learning to be honest and open right away with Nate (he's a forward person, so he doesn't struggle with this quality very much!).

Nate is a swell dude.  He prays for me when he's not praying with me, he makes me laugh, he's supported me 100% in every decision I've made, and he does dishes. But even being married to a great guy takes work to make it right because sometimes, our spouses can be downright annoying (like right now, he's snoring loud enough for the neighbors to hear and farting). Our marriage is far from perfect, but we will continue to work to protect our marriage.

Featured Blog: The Journey To India

We're blessed here in Ogallala to have incredible friends. It took awhile...something like two years! Nonetheless, each friendship is unique. Our new found friends Jim and Kristin are good natured and sweet and seem to always think of others before themselves. Drew and Amy are a solid Christian couple who have (despite our young friendship) already shared with us in joys and hardships, prayed with us when times were tough, and are always ready to lounge around in sweatpants with us. Ryan and Tracy are who we call when we want to unwind and have a good laugh. Ryan is one of the most unintentionally funny guys I know. His wife Tracy is down to earth, sweet, and not afraid to work hard--something I really admire. We don't have to go out and do something fancy to have fun. We're happy sitting around a kitchen table swapping stories, laughing. We met Ryan and Tracy through Bob and Shannon who have quickly grown to be our best friends here in town. I have a hard time even explaining our friendship as it's unlike one I've ever had before. Not only are they fellow bookies, music lovers, and NPR nerds, they're just all around good people. They're honest, unpretentious believers. Shannon is as straightforward as they come! She's a ton of fun; she's not girly (girly is a quality that tends to freak me out just a bit) and has experienced a lot of life. She's someone I've come to respect. Bob has opened me up to a world of new music, challenged me to think deeper, and has been a good confidant. He's also a helluva cook! Together they make an amazing couple: genuine, hospitable, and a host of other adjectives that slip me right now.

That's why I'm happy to share the link to Bob's blog: The Journey To India. In February, Bob will travel to rural parts of India where his team will help provide free medical services, work to strengthen the local church, and share the gospel with non-believers. Check out his blog if you're interested in learning more about God's work in India through Bob. And if you're the praying kind, send up a few for him. I know he and his wife both have apprehensions about this trip. Pray that they would abandon worry, pray about everything, and offer thanks to the work God is already doing (Philippians 4:6). Pray they'd both experience the kind of peace Paul talks about in Philippians 4:7. And don't forget to check out Bob's blog!

Marriage

We bought this chalkboard from an artist at the Portland Saturday Market as a souvenir for ourselves. At least once a week, I hope to write what I'm grateful for on the board as a reminder to praise God and appreciate the little things more.

Today I am thankful for my marriage. I didn't know it then, but five years ago I married an incredible guy. I've learned so much about him over the years and am sure to learn more as we continue to evolve as people and as a couple.

Our marriage hasn't been perfect. We've encountered intense struggles and at times I've wanted to run away from it all. However, I am thankful for every struggle. I praise God for our battle with infertility because I think this is what our marriage needed. We needed something to thrust us closer to our heavenly Father and to each other. Our marriage is stronger today than it was two years ago. We still have much to learn and much to struggle with, but I'm looking forward to that journey.

I feel blessed to have couples in our lives who have taught us what a healthy marriage looks like: my parents and Nate's parents have taught us perseverance, Amy and Pat Nebesniak have taught us what it means to sacrifice and how to be incredible parents, our old friends Shane and Erin Melenbacker and our new friends Drew and Amy Sharp--have given us a glimpse of what a God-honoring marriage looks like.

Marriage is a blessing not to be thrown away, a commitment that shouldn't be broken. Today I'm thankful for my marriage, for married couples who have coached us in our own marriage, and for my beautiful husband.

Nate

As I went about my business doing housework today, I got to thinking about my husband and how great he is. Actually---great is an understatement---but a stronger adjective escapes me at the moment.

I am in awe by this guy. Here's just a couple reasons why (if I listed them all--this post would be insanely long):

• His hard working nature---if you know Nate, you know that he works hard. He is committed 100% to his students and always tries his hardest to do what is best for them. It's really inspiring to me. Though he won't admit it, he's had great success in his job. Each year he's been teaching he's had students selected for multiple honor choirs and this week he was asked to hold a leadership position with the Nebraska Choral Directors Association. For the past two years he's been working on a Master's Degree in Music Education from UNL so he can better himself as a teacher. Not only does he work hard at his job, he works hard at home, too. Whether it's yard work, dish duty, paying the bills, etc---if it needs done, Nate does it. I'm so blessed to have a husband who shares in the housework load.
• His support---I give him crap a lot for not being as sentimental as he was when we were dating, but he really is a sincere and supportive guy with a big heart. The past three years have been rough as we've struggled with the emotions of infertility. But Nate has never once made me feel like my emotions are too extreme or over the top, and he's always been willing to listen or hold me when all I can do is cry. He's also been so supportive with me this year as I've taken many steps (which inevitably means more commitments) to further my career. He's the one person in my life who I know I can count on 100%. Not only is he supportive of me, but I also see him lend this same commitment to his family. His mom, sister, brother, brother in-law, nieces and nephew are so important to him. Though we live far away and don't always get to be at every celebration or get-together---he tries hard to make sure these people know he cares for and loves them very much.
  

I am so blessed to have him by my side!

The need for a sense of community

In my graduate program so far, I've taken interest in the concept of community. I have worked hard in my classroom and my building to create a sense of community within in my classroom--a place where teachers and students alike feel comfortable in, a place they feel free to come to in the morning when they wait for the bell to ring, a place where they can open up and spill their guts out in words and speech. I think I've done a pretty good job of it so far, though I think most of my 9th graders last year felt this sense of community more than this year's group (several things have contributed to that--including my many absences from school due to conferences and adoption meetings).

But this morning as I began my study into the book of Acts (another one of my favorites), I realized that I don't have this sense of community I've been trying to give my students and fellow teachers. I've written about this before on my blog when I took the Place Conscious Education class last fall, but it's something that struck me again as I read the following verses,

"All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord's Supper), and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity---all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved" (Acts 2: 42-47).

I want this sort of community. I want to be connected with a group of people who are committed to fellowship, God's teaching, food and prayer---people who share everything and are selfless, people who don't value possessions too much. I think we all have an inner desire for a community like this. What seems so antithetic to me though, is my craving to be nomadic. It's hard to develop this deep sense of community when you get a three-year itch to move, to change venues. This is our third year in Ogallala and we haven't done a good job of connecting ourselves with a community outside of teaching and our students----we're starting to this year, but that itch is kicking in for me...so I'm conflicted.

Another thing that struck me as I read through these verses is a wondering if this community of believers accepted all or if they surrounded themselves with likeminded people. Part of why I think I've struggled to develop that sense of community in the past three years is because I've had a hard time finding people I can really click with---people who have a similar love for the written word, who love quirky music, have an affection for art and NPR, are committed to social justice, are intellectual yet goofy and pragmatic at the same time---people who share a similar set of beliefs and values. I think there are more people here whose interests line up with mine, but I struggle with putting myself out there. I'm terrible at it. I seem like an extrovert (and in some cases, I am), but I am pretty content at home with my books, coffee and computer. The old Simon and Garfunkel song comes to mind, I Am a Rock---here are some of the lyrics:

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
[...]

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

But this sounds so damn depressing! I'm not really sure where this post is going--I feel like a rambler; what I think I'm getting at is that I need to try to shed off my hermit ways, fight through my nomadic desires and embrace others (even if they don't have an affinity for NPR) in order to create a community similar to the one described in Acts.