Submission is not a four-letter word

My husband and I are in a small Bible study, and together, our group has been working our way through Ephesians. This week we studied Ephesians 5, which contains the often misinterpreted submission verses. You know..."Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands..." (Eph. 5:22*).

I've heard more than one sermon in which pastors have encouraged men to quite literally rule over their wives. I've heard many evangelical men joke about "wives knowing their places" using Eph. 5:22 as the punchline thus turning the word 'submit' into a four-letter word for many women. But...I think those pastors and men got it all wrong.

This woman appears to be unhappy. Maybe she just heard a sermon about Eph. 5:22 where the pastor gave her husband permission to be a jackwagon and silence her. ..

Complacency, security, and status

It's well past midnight where I live, and I just can't sleep. For the past hour and a half I've been reading the book of Amos from God's Justice Bible. The intro to the text fantastically describes the context surrounding the book:

"Originally, in the time of the judges before the people of Israel had a king, each Israelite family had its own land in an agricultural society where wealth was decentralized. But during the period of the monarchy, a small group of powerful people around the kings use legal and illegal methods to seize the land of many people. Those who lose their land fall into poverty, and the powerful become very wealthy" (Sider and Davis, 1263). 

So, Amos--a shepherd turned prophet (i.e. a regular guy who smells like animal dung), is called by God to speak about Israel's future destruction due to the systems of injustice they created. Amos is speaking this message to the fat-cats in Israel who have gained their wealth by oppressing others (Amos 2: 6-8; Amos 5:10-13). Sider and Davis mention that Amos's message is particularly unpopular given that he is speaking about the future during a prosperous time for Israel. Nobody takes him seriously, and in the end, it costs Israel when they are defeated and taken over by the Assyrians in 722 B.C.

You see: God hates injustice and oppression. He doesn't take either lightly. In fact, Amos 4:12 is ominous and terrifying: "'Therefore this is what I will do to you, Israel, and because I will do this to you, Israel, prepare to meet your God." Isn't this chilling?! I mean, seriously.

What strikes me so much about Amos, though, comes later in chapter 5:21-6:7. In this section God calls out complacency, security, and status.

Why we left our comfortable church

Recently my husband and I made a difficult decision to leave the church we had been attending. We chose this church when we moved to our community two years ago  because it had excellent youth ministries, was close to our home, and it seemed to be growing. My husband and I took steps to get involved. Our kids were learning and forming relationships with adults who seemed to genuinely care for them. Of course, no church is perfect, but overall--we were comfortable in our church.

But...comfort was ultimately the problem.

Church services were carefully crafted with cool sets and timed with snappy videos. There was a light show and artificial smoke as a backdrop to pop-worship music. The church was recently renovated with a mixture of wood and steel giving the building a cool, industrial vibe. The pastor had catchy sermon titles with three predictable and mainstream points. There was a coffee shop outside the sanctuary.

Rock concert or evangelical worship set? 

It was all a very tidy, aesthetically pleasing, and comforting experience. There is nothing inherently wrong with aesthetics, and many people thrive in church settings like this one. However, for me, church began to reaffirm my white middle class existence and felt too much like American culture.

Book review: Jesus Feminist

It took me a month, but I finally finished Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey. I should add that I'm a SLOW reader, especially when it comes to deeply philosophical texts, and this book was dense. To me, a good book does one of two things: advances my thinking or makes me forget where I am. Jesus Feminist didn't make me lose track of time and forget where I was, but my 'ole wheels were a-turning throughout the book. Specifically, I learned a lot in the areas of studying scripture and a woman's "role" in the church.

Talking to our kids about tough stuff

If you pay attention at all to the news, you've noticed that the world seems ablaze with hatred and violence--it's a big pile of stinking, burning garbage. Bombings, terrorist attacks, the GOP nominee spouting hatred, police officers becoming targets of violence, innocent people stereotyped and killed out of fear...the list marches on and on. It would be easier to just shut off the media, tune out the noise, and retreat to our cozy, safe spaces. There is definitely a time to unplug (I'm thinking and praying about my own media fast..more on that in another post). However, there's also a time to engage. There's lots of ways a person can engage: Participating in protests, through writing, through volunteering for an effort, and through dialogue. Because I'm a writer, I often tend to engage through writing, but lately I've been focusing my efforts more on dialogue and conversations with my kids to help us all wade through the muck and have a greater understanding of it and our place in all of it.

Trading self-doubt for courage

I hear people say things like, You are the right mother for your kids. While I want to believe them, somewhere deep within--from a dark spot in my soul I call BS on this line (Side bar: my kids think BS stands for babysitter!). When I find myself cradling my thrashing daughter who is screaming that she hates us, the sentiment You are the right mother for your kids feels cliche and sarcastic.

Since I became a parent via foster-adopt I've gone through the ringer of self-doubt. Every opportunity I missed, every tantrum from one of my kids, every time I make a mistake (so, daily...) feeds the belief that I am not the right mother for my kids. 

If only they had someone who was more patient, stronger, less sarcastic, more motherly--then they'd be better off, I think.

Donald Trump, Transgender Issues, and Jesus

Author's note: I may lose some followers over this post. Also: I'm not a theologian. I'm a sinner...and a Jesus-lover. I've included lots of Bible verses throughout the post for reference--please know that the Bible should be read and studied in context, so if you're going to read through the verses I've included, read what surrounds the verses to get a bigger picture. Finally, please try and get through the whole post before you dismiss it as garbage :) 

If you haven't noticed, there are some significant cultural shifts occurring in our country that are difficult to ignore. This election season has been incredibly detrimental to our country for many reasons, and the results of it could be even worse. To me, one of the most frightening effects of this election season has been the rise of Donald Trump and the respect he has somehow garnered for his knack for cutting others down and calling it "abandoning politically correct behavior." A large portion of our culture (including, sadly, Christians) has embraced the Trump-Way and have used it to propel their own hate-filled language professing that "it's about time we have someone who isn't afraid to tell it like it is."

What I've learned throughout (almost) 10 years of marriage

On July 29th, my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage...10 YEARS, PEOPLE!

We were so young....

This is cause for celebration because marriage is so. damn. hard. Can I get an Amen up in 'her?!? I got married as a newly-minted 20 year old--straight outta my teen years--and while I've always been a bit of an old soul, I learned to be an adult during my earliest years of marriage. Here are just a few things I've learned as a married gal:

The story our actions tell

I have a serious sugar addiction that I blame on my mother and my grandfather. Before I had children, I could happily indulge in candy and ice cream in my living room at 4:30 in the afternoon. Now that I have children, I have to sneak my sweets (I am too selfish to share them with my kids, #FoReal).

This is what it looks like when I eat a box of chocolates....

I swear--my kids can hear me opening a tiny box of Nerds from across the damn house because EVERY TIME I am about to eat their Halloween/Valentines/Easter candy, in the privacy of a locked bathroom, they come a running from the depths of their basement playroom, yelling, "MOM! WHAT ARE YOU EATING?!" Now that I'm a mom, my behavior (and my sugar addiction) simply is not overlooked.

What surrounds Jeremiah 29:11

Do a quick Google Image search for the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11. You'll find hundreds of word art images, pictures of this verse on walls, wallpapers of this verse, kitschy knick-knacks with the verse, cards with this verse plastered on the front, tatoos of this verse...it's one of the most thrown around verses of our time. Thomas Turner, a writer for Relevant magazine argues that this verse is one of the "most misunderstood verses in the Bible." Writers Tsh Oxenreider and Jerusalem Greer (also a minister) make a case that, for many, this verse has become a "platitude...often seen on bathroom plaques." I did some reading this morning before and after Jeremiah 29:11 because it's been a few years, and what I discovered there does not match with our culture's current obsession with Jeremiah 29:11. We are missing the purpose of the verse.

The verse is part of a letter that Jeremiah (the prophet) sent to the Israelites who were exiled from Jerusalem to Babylon. The letter seems to be a sort of guide for the exiles for how to live and thrive in their new land. The letter starts in Jeremiah 29:4; I encourage you to read it for yourself, but I'll break the text down to bullet points of advice that Jeremiah (speaking on behalf of God) gave these exiles:
1. Build houses and live in them (vs. 5)
2. Plant gardens and eat their produce (vs. 5)
3. Have kids and let your kids have kids (vs. 6)
4. Grow in the community where you are planted--help it be better and you will be better; pray for your new community (vs. 7)
5. Don't be fooled by false prophets (vs. 8-9)

First, I have to say I'm sad these four verses are overlooked. Jeremiah 29:11 is often advice given to people in times of transition--moving, graduation, taking a new job, getting married, etc. The instruction embedded in verses 5-9 is a beautifully simple and practical set of guidelines often missed because they don't pack the feel-good punch of verse 11.

Now let's take a gander at verse 10 alongside verse 11 (remember, this is still a letter from Jeremiah (inspired by God) to the exiles): "'For thus says the Lord: When SEVENTY YEARS are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'" What we miss with the context of this letter when we focus only on verse 11 is that God says this plan to give the exiles a future and a hope will take SEVENTY YEARS. SEVENTY. YEARS. God always brings redemption, but it's on His timetable--and this timetable often feels too long for us--so we lob off verse 10 because it doesn't make us feel good, and we focus only on verse 11---the feel-good stuff. Then we become disillusioned when the good stuff God promised us doesn't come to us after we've been praying for a week or even a month or (gasp) a year. I think this is especially true for new believers. Jeremiah 29:11, when taken out of context,  can cause people to have unrealistic and unbiblical expectations of God, which may jeopardize their faith.

The letter doesn't stop at verse 11. It marches on for 12 more verses. I won't carry on and on, but I do want to point out that the three verses after 29:11 seem to be the most encouraging of this whole letter. They say, "'Then [remember...this is after the 70 years the Israelites will be in exile] you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.'" God promises a return back home....but we must remember, he also promised it will take SEVENTY YEARS. This will require a season of waiting that will allow the Israelites to pursue God...a beautiful thought when you dwell on it long enough.

In short, let's quit taking this verse (and others like it) out of context. The Bible is certainly a spring of excellent advice, but we must be careful not to pick and choose.

Acts 2: 42-47

About a year ago, Nate and I found our way to a new church we're glad to call home here in Omaha. Since being a part of CityLight, we've been challenged and encouraged to grow.

Seeking wisdom

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty" (Proverbs 27:12). 

I'm reading a book right now called The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands because my curriculum specialist at work send me a message one day stating she heard about the book and that it's one she wants to read and thought I'd want to as well (you'll see the irony in this later). She's a pretty stellar person, so I took her word for it and just ordered the book. Plus...I have been feeling overwhelmed for the last year--but especially so the last three months; I figured a little outside perspective with making smart choices wouldn't hurt. The book is written with a Christian perspective and is grounded in scripture, which I appreciate. The writing is a bit cheesy at times, but the woman's (Lysa Terkeurst) insight is practical, wise, and backed up with truth. It's left me thinking and praying a lot about making smart choices.

In May when I signed my teaching contract and agreed to teach a grad class through UNO and continue my stint as a co-director for the Nebraska Writing Project and signed Jon up for a weekly violin lesson for the entire year, I did not know we'd be welcoming another child to our home. Had I known that, I probably would have made different choices.

Terkeurst writes, "A woman who lives with the stress of an overwhelmed schedule will often ache with the sadness of an underwhelmed soul. An underwhelmed soul is one who knows there is more God made her to do. She longs to do that thing she wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about" (21). I rarely wake up in the middle of the night; I sleep like a rock. However, throughout my day I daydream about what it would be like to have more time to be a mom--to spend as much time on my children and family as I do on my job and on other peoples' kids. I enjoy being a teacher and find fulfillment in it, but in the past year and three months, I've just felt torn between my job as a teacher and my role as a wife and mother. Terkeurst challenges her readers to think about and plan for how we can pursue these dreams of ours that we push off because of our busy schedules.

Later in the book she brings in the verse from above, Proverbs 27:12. She quotes Andy Stanley on his description of prudent men and women; he explains that prudent people "[...] 'understand that today and tomorrow are connected. [...] They ask what I refer to as the best question ever: 'In light of my past experience, and my future hopes and dreams, what's the wise thing to do?'" (74).

This book and my quiet time with God is making me think a lot about making a wise decision for my job. A wise decision for right now and a wise one for the future. I'm stretched to the max right now, and I'm not sure what I can give up. I'm tired of feeling guilty for working and guilty for not working. I'm tired of feeling like I should stay in teaching and remain a co-director and take advantage of every career opportunity offered me because of other peoples' expectations of me. I will be scaling back on my commitments with the Nebraska Writing Project, but I'm not sure that will be enough. It's not a huge time commitment or stressor for me, but it's the only thing I can scale back on in this moment. I've got a teaching contract until May and this grad class lasts until December 2nd. While the grad class does take me away from my family on Tuesday nights, I enjoy my time there. The biggest stressor in my life right now is my job as a teacher. It's the commitment that is the most frustrating, the most time consuming, the one I can control least, the one that gets most of my attention. Even though I'm taking 4 weeks of maternity leave, I'm still bombarded with emails and expectations of things to do while I'm supposed to be taking care of my family.

At the end of the chapter I just finished, Terkeurst advises, "What's a decision you are in the midst of making? Chase it down. If you do this, where will it most likely lead? And then what? And then? Keep going until you walk it all the way out" (74). For the past month the decision I've felt in my gut that's begging to be made is whether or not to keep teaching. Should I keep teaching throughout this year? Should I attempt to break my contract because of the recent change in my family? Should I stick it out and not go back next year? I don't want to sabotage my career, but more than that desire, I don't want to be pulled anymore from my family. I don't want them to deal with crazy, stressed me--I don't want them to get what's leftover of me at the end of a day. I've been praying about this, filtering through peoples' advice, and seeking counsel. I want to be prudent--I want to consider today and tomorrow to make a wise decision. If you're of the praying persuasion, please send up a few requests for wisdom on my behalf. And if you have prayer requests for yourself, send them my way.

One foot in light, one foot in darkness?

Last week our church kicked off a new sermon series that comes out of 1 John. Today we looked at 1 John 1:5-10 (click here to visit the church website--the sermon from today was powerful; check back tomorrow or Tuesday to hear it), and to be honest--I've got a lot stuff heavy on my heart that I just need to confess and write about.

"This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth" (1 John 1:5-6). 

I confess to living with one foot in the light and one foot in the darkness--let me clarify: with my words I profess to be a believer, but my actions profess darkness. We cannot live with one foot in the light and one foot in the darkness, because as the scripture says, there is no darkness in God. We simply cannot live in light if we continue to live in darkness. I fear that my actions have cheapened my faith to outsiders who hear me say I'm a believer and then see me drink too much, hear me use swear words, hear me gossip about others, see me react out of anger, watch me put my job before my family. That stuff is not the stuff of Jesus.

"If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. [...] If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts" (1 John 1:8, 10). 

For at least a year, I've felt a nagging sense tell me not to drink that 3rd or 4th beer or use that four letter word or to reign in my emotions and think before I speak--but I've pushed off that nagging feeling and made excuses like, It's not that big of a deal; people make mistakes--God doesn't expect me to be perfect. I've made excuses for my sin--I've lied to myself and have basically set an extra chair at the table for sin. I've used God's grace as a "get out of jail free card." I don't want to confess this stuff just to free myself from the heavy feeling of guilt; I want to confess because I don't want to call God a liar anymore by making excuses for my sins. I know I've done wrong--I know I need help turning away from the darkness and running toward the light.

"But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin" (1 John 1:7). 

For a few months I've battled anxiety--I'm almost to the point of seeking a doctors help via medication to help me cope with the stress of balancing my job and my role as a wife and mother. But the more I pray on it and dig into scripture, the more I'm forced to examine my own life. I've created anxiety for myself, I think, primarily from living in darkness. My choices have launched me into a downward tailspin of anxiety and guilt and instead of running towards the light, I've walked in the darkness and used alcohol and swear words to cope with the stress of my job and have run to my job to cope with the stress of raising a family and all it's done for me has created more anxiety and a deeper feeling of emptiness. The words each other are so pivotal in the above verse because it implies that when we live in the light, we have fellowship with God and we know by having fellowship with God (by living in the light and confessing our sins--see the verse below) that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross takes away our sin. 

"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness" (1 John 1: 9). 

When we confess, we are then free to enjoy fellowship with God--to live in the light. But we must make a deliberate effort to admit our sins and then rely on God's power to overcome our sins so we don't fall into a constant habit of sin or a habit of guilt that only beats us up and doesn't empower us to overcome our sin. This morning I've come clean with God, but I feel like I need to come clean to people who've watched me try to lead a double life. I'm sorry if my actions ever made you think negatively about Christianity or Jesus. My life has not always been made up of the stuff of Jesus; I'm working on getting that right. 

Just call me Martha

I write about this a lot...I'm sure those of you who read this blog or just tired of reading my back and forth on this concept. If you fall into this category of readers, just do yourself a favor and stop reading. Go watch cat videos on YouTube instead...it'll probably be a better use of your time.

This morning I started a new devo on my Bible app that explores the topic of simplifying. Not simplifying in the materialistic sense, but a kind of lifestyle decluttering. Eliminating the kind of business that distracts from the kind of stuff that really matters--like fellowship with God. First up on the Bible study was Luke 10:38-42 where Jesus visits Mary and Martha. Mary chooses to sit and fellowship with Jesus while Martha runs around the place cleaning and cooking missing out on an opportunity to spend with Jesus while he was in the flesh. All of her running around while Mary sat with Jesus made her bitter and angry causing her to blow up out of resentment and stress. Jesus gives Martha a 1-2 punch and gently explains to Martha that Mary is doing things right. I think Martha was well-intentioned in her actions. She saw Jesus as an important guest worthy of a good dinner in a clean home. I think she started out wanting to serve Jesus, but what she missed out on was a true fellowship with Jesus. In church this morning our pastor started preaching from 1 John. We studied the first four verses where John shares the good news about experiencing Jesus and that we can also be in fellowship with Jesus. Key word: with. Our pastor emphasized that we are to be in a relationship with him and not for him. Martha missed a great opportunity.

In the last three years, I think I've become a Martha. I've made myself so busy that I've missed out on many opportunities to fellowship with God and with His people. Teaching can certainly be a ministry, and I think it was for me when I taught in western Nebraska. I had opportunities through FCA, coaching, church, and sponsoring activities to build relationships with kids. In my role as a teacher and mother here, I'm rather limited in the type of relationship I can have with my students. Can I make an impact on them? Absolutely. Do I have the time to coach or sponsor an activity at this time in my life? No. Has the busyness of my job made me resentful like Martha? Unfortunately, yes.

I'd like to be involved more in my community or my church, but I've created such a tight schedule for myself and my family that adding one more thing seems close to impossible. I really hate this. We have some potential family changes on the horizon, and as I think about these changes, the more I realize I'm moving into a different season in life. Teaching and education truly is something I enjoy, but I think I'm ready to serve in a different ministry. I think I need to start praying about how to clear space in my life for fellowship with God and with His people (including my family!). It could be a long year as I struggle to become more like Mary while stile honoring the commitments I made a month ago for this school year.

Making time for the important stuff

This post will not reveal anything earth-shattering, but it's where I'm at this morning. I felt like I needed to dump this all out before I could move on with my morning.

Since my early college days, I've always been a morning Bible reader. During my freshman year at UNK, I got into a habit of reading my Bible in the cafeteria while I choked down Chartwells' food. The habit continued into my married life. I tried reading at nights before bed, but always found myself falling asleep a few verses in (no offense, God). As much as I despise rising early, I know myself well enough to know that if I don't get in my Bible reading before my day begins, I won't get it in. Now, this has proven challenging with a child. I don't eat by myself anymore. During the school year, Nate leaves by 6:30 to get to school for his zero hour class (suck!), so he gets J ready while I get ready. Then J and I eat breakfast together before we leave. While we eat, I try to read at least one chapter or half of a long chapter each day in between Jon's morning musings about trucks and the shape his cereal is taking that morning. It sounds bad, but I've kind of learned to mostly tune him out and let him just talk while I read the Bible. It's not that I'm totally checked out from him or that I don't care what he has to say--I just have to make reading the Bible a priority in the morning. I think it's important for kids to see their parents in the Word. So this is also a good time for modeling. Sometimes I'll read out loud to him while he eats. It's not been perfect...I don't get my Bible reading in every day....like today.

Yesterday I spent an afternoon planning with another teacher for a college class I'm teaching. It was incredibly productive, but there is still a lot to be done for it. And when my to-do list is long, I tend to get zoned in on it. This morning I slept in until 7 since it's a rest day from marathon training. After grabbing breakfast for Jon and me(Nate was on his way out the door for a meeting), I did not reach for my Bible. I opened my laptop. Bad idea. Once the laptop is open, there's no going back to the Bible. I ate my breakfast while working on our class website--it's typically a simple process, one I've done loads of times, but this morning I was clumsy and had to undo several stupid mistakes. Soon, the clock read 7:49--we had to leave by 8:30 to get to J's last day of summer camp. I was still in pajamas and disheveled. For the next 40 minutes, I raced around the house like a crazed woman barking orders at J. We pulled out of the garage at 8:31. At 8:32 Jon asked if we could listen to Wagon Wheel, but because I was stressed, I needed a more calming song...so I vetoed his request and opted for my song. By 8:45, it hit me how incredibly awful I had been this morning. If someone had been watching me, they would've assumed I didn't really enjoy my child.

This is what happens to me when I put work or personal things in front of my time with God. I become this selfish, crazed, uncompassionate, impatient being. I get so zoned in sometimes on my to-do list, that I push God aside and then end up pushing my family aside to cross things of a stupid to-do list. A pastor once told me something along the lines of: make time for God a priority and watch how He adjusts your time. (At first I thought God would give only me an extra hour in the day while everyone else remained frozen...not really, but I thought this would be nice of God to do). I'm not sure God adjusts our time, but I think making time with God a priority definitely helps us to prioritize better. We have better perspective.

On my walk from J's summer camp to a coffee shop, I read half a chapter of Matthew and apologized to God for shoving him off. I'm praying this week that I'd have better discipline this year even during busy seasons.

Battling insecurities

As a teenager, I was a confident young cuss. I was opinionated, sassy, bold, and by all accounts, unique. I prided myself on pounding out my own path no matter how much that made me deviate from my classmates. The older I get, though, the more self-conscious I become. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Lately I'm a bit hyper-aware of my flaws.

On Saturday during my weekly long run, I trudged 12 miles through thick humidity. By mile 8.5, I was soaked in sweat with nothing to wipe my face off. For at least four miles I contemplated taking my shirt off. I've been a distance runner for 6 years, but I've only ran with my shirt off once. When I first started teaching I ran into a student at Lake McConaughy while I was sporting a bikini leftover from my college years, and man, that made for an awkward class the next time. It's best I just keep my clothes on in public. However, with each elephant like stride, I became increasingly uncomfortable; I just needed something to keep my face dry...like my tanktop. I gave in and ripped my shirt off--not in a sexy manner you might see in the movies. Nope. Since I was so wet, my tanktop clung to every part of me, got stuck on my hat, tangled in my headphones...it was very similar to swatting away a swarm of mosquitos. But when the struggle was over, and when my two-toned torso (I have a tankini swimsuit--so my stomach looks very much like a fish's belly while my chest, arms, and back are the color of a tomato from opening day at the pool) was hanging out for the world to see, I felt better....for about a quarter of a mile. That's when five male college runners, tan, with wash-board abs, short running shorts illuminating their rippling quads running probably a 6 minute mile flew past me. I hope they were running so fast they couldn't see me, I thought. Right behind the Runner's World models were two 20-something women who I can only imagine were the previous runners' girlfriends because they had matching abs and only a slightly slower pace. I felt my form become hunched. I was suddenly aware that the increase in my beer intake and the decrease in my ab workouts has made my stomach the softest it's been in a few years. I was aware that my legs are not as chiseled as I'd like them to be, that I sweat so much it looks like I've pissed myself after my long runs, that my stride is not light but heavy--like I have mud caked on my shoes, that my skin is not clear like most women's, that I'm not as feminine as I "should" be, that my flat and un-curvy shape and pixie haircut often make me look like a twelve year old boy...the list of insecurities scrolled through my head and drowned out the music in my headphones. It was only when my 12 miles had ended and I was home with my shirt back on that I stopped the self-hate.

For the past few years my insecurities have been more noticeable, but I honestly can't remember the last time I felt this insecure. Not only is it a frustrating experience to pick apart every little thing about myself, but I felt so shallow, vain, and dirty for doing it.

I just finished studying the book of Joshua. Towards the tail end of the book when Joshua is nearing the end of his life, he instructs the Israelites to serve only God--to put away all idols and to be aware of the areas of their lives where temptation might creep up on them. This week I've really had to confess my own selfishness and insecurities as an idol I've given more attention to than God. I do think it's difficult to be a Christian in our culture; it takes prayer and diligence to not get wrapped up in the pressures to be or look or act in a way that society accepts. Fortunately, I serve a God bigger than our culture. I think the verse I'll use to help me focus this week will be from Joshua's last instructions: "'Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord'" (Joshua 24: 14).

"Growth in the Midst of Obstacles"

This weekend I've been thinking an awful lot about priorities and how I divide my time. On my 10 miler yesterday, I listened to Mumford and Sons, and the song, "Awake My Soul" , my favorite Mumford song, came on. There's a line in here that reads, "Where you invest your love, there you invest your life..." The truth of this lyric hits me every time I hear it.

Then today at church, our pastor's sermon was titled "Obstacles in the Midst of Growth;" he preached out of Acts 6:1-7. If you're not familiar with it, Acts describes the birth of the Christian, New Testament church. In this portion of Acts, the disciples experience a huge increase in the number of believers...the text doesn't say exactly, but our pastor likened it the growth to going from 500 to 8,000 believers in a matter of months. His sermon focused primarily on how the church should respond to obstacles presented by growth. In this particular instance in the New Testament church, the number of believers increased so rapidly that other things were being neglected, namely helping widows and preaching the word of God (Acts 6: 1-2). So, the leaders of the day suggested that they choose seven wise men who were filled with the Spirit to carry out these deeds. The body commissioned these men by praying for them, and the text tells of the results: "And the word of God continued to increase, and the number of the disciples multiplied greatly in Jerusalem, and a great many of the priests became obedient to the faith" (Acts 6:7).

Our pastor pointed out that growth requires an element of change without changing our principles, just like the apostles decided in the situation above. They knew they had to adjust things in order to keep their principles alive. I kept thinking about this in terms of my own life--as my family grows and as I grow as a teacher, there are more demands on my time. Sometimes I slip into survival mode; our pastor described this by saying we get so busy doing things right that we don't stop to reflect on whether or not we are doing the right things. My survival mode doesn't always maintain my principles. When I'm entrenched in this mentality, I trade my Bible time for grading time. I spend more time working than with my family. I eat crap food instead of healthy food. My principles get shoved aside in survival mode.

The leaders of the early church had things figured out. When they experienced the obstacles of growth, they didn't slip into survival mode. They spent more time praying than planning, they studied the word, they relied on the power of the Holy Spirit, and fellowshipped with other believers. This is what allowed their growth to be successful (Acts 6:7). It's a great template for how to manage our own obstacles as we grow in our families and careers.

Some verses to sink your teeth into

"When I think of all this [Christ's death on the cross that wiped away our sins and allowed us to come directly to God rather than through Old Testament type sacrifices], I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God" (Ephesians 3:14-19).

This is Paul's prayer for the Ephesians...tonight it's my prayer for little man.

Reading through the Bible in a year

A few weeks ago I finished my daily Bible reading plan that took me through the Bible in one year. I finished in a year and a few weeks, and I've got to say, it's a good feeling. Prior to this experience I was hesitant to read through certain books of the Old Testament. It's an intimidating chunk of the Bible, and it can be dreadfully boring. I pressed on, though, and though some parts were tedious, it really opened my eyes to see the full picture of Jesus. It's incredible to read through some of the Old Testament prophecies about Christ and then to read about them coming true thousands of years later.

This was a year that I very much needed this consistency in the Word. It was a hectic year filled with trials, and I think without that rock of scripture, I would've floundered way more than I did. My command of scripture still isn't as great as others', but this reading plan definitely helped solidify verses and stories in my mind.

If you haven't noticed, the Bible is a big book. It can be intimidating to know where to start when reading through it, but the reading plan made it so easy to read the Bible: I simply read what the plan stated I should read on that particular day, and it did a nice job of balancing Old Testament with New Testament each day. If you're of the Christian persuasion (or are interested in religion) and you haven't read through the Bible in its entirety, you should (not to sound pushy or anything!). There are tons of reading plans on the internet; I don't think it matters which one you use. Nate just bought a chronologically ordered daily reading Bible that takes him through the Bible in the order which all the events occurred (which is contrary to the typical organization of the Bible by books), so that's another option to check into as well. I don't think you'll be disappointed with the experience :)

At least I'm not naked

Yeah, you read that correctly. A few days ago, my daily Bible reading brought me to Isaiah 20. The short chapter briefly explains how God commanded Isaiah to take off his burlap clothes and his sandals and walk around naked...for three years. And he did it! Kudos to Isaiah for being so faithful. I can't say I would've agreed to that kind of command.

I've been thinking a lot lately about faith.

We prayerfully considered our move here and felt nudged to take a leap. I accepted my job in Gretna long before Nate was offered his job at Burke, but we had faith that God was nudging us, and so He would provide. But it feels like the minute we moved, things fell apart. Our car broke down, our house sold and then un-sold, the adoption we thought we had in the bag crumpled, and my job has been more difficult and consuming than I anticipated. I've questioned our decision to move a few times this fall. After I read Isaiah 20, I thought to myself: Well, at least I'm not naked. 

I'm sure Isaiah's three years of nakedness was a humiliating time. And I'm sure Isaiah probably wondered why God would have him do something so nuts. But, Isaiah writes in verses three through six that this time wasn't without purpose. God's plan wasn't merely to make Isaiah's life difficult; He used Isaiah's humiliation to show Judah that if they put all of their trust in human governments, they would eventually fall to them and experience that same kind of shame Isaiah endured.

The thing is, God has provided for Nate and me.  He provided a job for Nate. He provided a temporary place for us to live this summer with godly people until we could get an apartment. And then He provided a renter for our house and an affordable apartment for us. He's led us to a church that's encouraged and challenged us. Though God's plans sometime seem absolutely bananas to us, He is deliberate. God has given us more than we deserve...the least we can do is follow Him in obedience waiting on His perfect timing. God has a purpose for all of our tribulations. He will not waste our suffering, and neither should we. So, my plan this week is to quit sulking. When I'm tempted to whine about my job or sulk about not being parents yet, I'll try to remember Isaiah's faithful obedience to God's command and be thankful that I get to wear clothes while I endure my trials.