Since starting musical rehearsals I haven't had a lot of time to sit and think--particularly about our adoption/infertility. But...on Tuesday we have our in-home home study visit with our case worker. So--we've been scrambling to try and fill out the piles of paperwork and get our house in some sort of order all while trying to put on a musical this week.
Today our adoption and infertility has really been on my mind. As I type, my breath is shortened and my heart is beating quicker than normal. These emotions catch me so off guard, and it drives me crazy. Maybe I'm thinking about this today because of all the pregnancy announcements, baby pictures from friends and blog posts about friends' kids that have been popping up like crazy in the past few months. Maybe it's because last night I had a dream about getting "that call"--the one where our case worker tells us she has a baby for us to come pick up (surprisingly this is the first time I've dreamed about this).
Over the years I've learned to cope with pregnancy or baby related news by either ignoring it or avoiding it. Unfortunately, this has hurt some of my relationships with friends and family---but that's not my intention. My intention is self-preservation--to keep myself from falling apart at the seams at the most random of times. Of course, not everyone understands this. I don't expect everyone to.
But today my emotions are a little different. It's not remorse at these wounded relationships. It's not remorse that we will probably never have children who look like us and it's not remorse that I will probably never get the experience of pregnancy. What I'm feeling today is fear. Fear that we may never be parents. Fear that we may never get to welcome a child into our home and watch him/her grow. As I try to swallow the growing lump in my throat, new fears arise. What if we do get that call that I dreamed of last night and we suck as parents? What if we are placed with a child who can't attach to us? What if we get that call and then the birth parents change their minds after meeting us?
I don't know why today is the day these fears have shaken my core. Maybe it's the rain...