Becoming Un-Busy

I read a thoughtful post last week called “The Disease of Being Busy” by Omed Safi, a columnist for On Being.  It was an older post but is one that still rings true today.

We are so, so busy, aren’t we? Americans like to do all the things. We pack our schedules full and then lament our 16-hour work days. Safi mentions that we are now doing this to our kids, too. We shuttle our third graders to painting class and basketball and gymnastics and dance; we have so many activities for them that we need planners just to keep track of our kids’ schedules. We rely on busy as Americans. But, as Safi mentions,

“This disease of being ‘busy’ (and let’s call it what it is, the dis-ease of being busy, when we are never at ease) is spiritually destructive to our health and wellbeing. It saps our ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families, and keeps us from forming the kind of community that we all so desperately crave.”

This busyness is a gross habit, and I have lots of questions about it. I wonder what our busyness says about our own insecurities. I wonder what it says about our inability to just be. I wonder what it says about how we find our purpose. I wonder what it will do to our children…

An empty to-do list?! Who does that?!

Summer so far

The best way to describe this summer so far: whirlwind. Luckily we are all moved and are fairly settled in our friends' basement. I'm starting to develop a manageable routine with the summer class I'm co-facilitating. This week was exhausting. It was the first week of class, so there was a lot of prep work up front. I was trying to balance 30 miles or running a week (yeah, that's an unrealistic bench mark with my current schedule!), with about ten hours of total in-car time, 17.5 hours of in class time, and about 20 hours of class work---it's been intense around here. We've had many late nights and early mornings that all pounded me yesterday. When we got back to Omaha I crashed for two hours; it was much needed. Even though it's been tiring, there have been a few perks:

• I love the class I'm helping with right now. The teachers I'm surrounded by are intelligent, creative, and intentional. It's a true breath of fresh air.
• We tend to have late night chats with our housemates Amee and Micah. We sort of lost touch over the past few years, so it's great to pick up where we left of.
  
• The bowl of Pad Thai I just shoveled into my mouth was delicious.
  
• The writing habit my class encourages has helped me to pound out a few pieces I've been wanting to write all year.
  
• The coffee date I had with my husband last week--I'm hoping we can make it a weekly occurrence this summer to give us something to look forward to at the end of a grueling week of courses.
  
• It hasn't happened yet, but tomorrow we get to spend the day with our niece and nephew. these two kids always make us laugh, so we enjoy spending time with them.
  

Now that I've reflected on the perks, I'm off to pound out a major piece of writing this afternoon (I'm working on condensing my 40 page thesis into a 15 page article for publication). Then, I'm taking the evening off to do whatever the heck I want to do :)

Career Crossroads

After grading quizzes and study guides yesterday, it appeared that many, many students did not bother to fill in their study guide in class or even study for the quiz they knew about for a week...After receiving one too many snarky emails from colleagues...After realizing just how much I have to do on my thesis...I reached my breaking point. It happened last night on the phone with my parents when I cried as I told them I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to continue teaching because the stress is so much for my type A personality.....but last night I received that phone call that every teacher longs for: the snow day call.

It's been a much needed break. I stayed up until 1 AM to catch up on all my grading and edit student writing for our class blog. I slept in until 7:30 this morning, made snickerdoodle pancakes (they were amazing), drank a pot of coffee, and watched a few comedy shows while reading my new issue of Runner's World. I'm feeling better now, but I'm still conflicted. Here's why:

I love teaching. I enjoy impacting kids and presenting them with opportunities to think and engage. Seeing kids really connect with literature and writing just about brings me to tears. I love researching and implementing best practice in my classroom. But when kids don't engage, my job really sucks because of my takes-everything-to-heart, can't-shrug-much-off personality. I view student failure as my failure, which I know isn't necessarily the case. For many students, their lack of engagement in school is not their fault; it stems from their upbringing. It frustrates me that so many kids come to the classroom with baggage from broken homes or come from families who don't place a high priority on education. And while I know these students really deserve teachers who care and who pour their energies into them, I'm just not sure how much I have left to pour. I realize that part of this is my own fault. I've definitely bitten off more than I can chew---it's been my nature ever since I was a teenager. It's hard for me to pass up great opportunities to grow in my career since I really do have a passion for education. But as my professional circle grows and my resume lengthens, I have to wonder, is this what's best for kids?

Our guidance counselor at school has said to me so many times, "You can't meet the needs of others when you're own needs aren't met." My professional involvements bring me fulfillment, intellectual stimulation, and ultimately make me a more effective teacher in terms of content--but my socio-emotional needs are being compromised. I feel like I don't have near enough time to grow in my faith, spend with my husband, socialize with people, and simply relax. At times I tend to think that the aforementioned needs are frivolous, and that going without those will me me tougher and more productive. But each time I've gone with those needs unmet for a length of time, I breakdown.

I can't figure out if I love teaching or if I love education and improving the quality of it. I'm not sure that I can do both well and still have all of my own needs met. The next three to four months will definitely require lots of prayer and honest reflection.

My Facebook Hiatus

Soon after Thanksgiving I pulled the plug on my Facebook account. I've maintained a digital presence on the site for something like 6 years, and while I flirted with the idea of deactivating it back in August, I didn't get the courage until a few months later. What's life like without Facebook? Simpler.

I have a tendancy to feel overwhelmed often, and Facebook has a tendency to eat away all or most of a person's free time. My productivity has climbed---I've written about 20 pages on the thesis (5 of which I scrapped and 15 will probably end up with the same fate) and have read several books both for pleasure and research. My grades have been posted quicker, and I'm racking up the miles on my new running shoes. Overall, my life just feels so much less cluttered. I'm not overstimulated with random tidbits of information, engaging in what can sometimes be mindless chatter. Facebook can sometimes be a healthy distraction, but an undisciplined sap like myself can find herself addicted. The one downfall is feeling out of the loop. Before, Facebook was really my way of communicating with colleagues and friends; even though email would be an adequate replacement, the mode seems more formal, and so I have lost touch with several people since breaking my digital dependency.

I don't know how long I'll maintain a Facebook-free life, but for now I'll enjoy this new-found simplicity...and I'll Tweet instead ;) (I had to throw in some snarkiness!)

Thesis Update: Meh.

In two hours, Christmas break is officially over. Tomorrow is an inservice day for teachers, and kids return on Wednesday. From Wednesday to Sunday I'll be grading freshmen essays like a maniac in order to post my semester grades by 8 AM on Monday. This break has flown by me. We spent six days on the road in Columbus, Grand Island, and Denver. I spent two or three days (they've all sort of ran into one another) cleaning, organizing, and pitching stuff from the house. Three days were spent here at home working on the youth writing festivals to be held this spring and on lining up speakers for my English 9 classes and working on last minute details as we enter into my favorite unit of the year: our Social Action unit. I've only spent approximately ten hours on my thesis....not near the amount of time I intended........

Each time I've sat down to sift thorough data and write has been a chore. I feel lost with no clear direction of where to go or what do; most everything I'm writing is pure crap. I knew writing a thesis would be challenging, but I never thought it would be this difficult. I am so afraid of failing with this major endeavor. I started my Master's program a few weeks after earning my Bachelor's Degree and haven't rested since. I've invested thousands of dollars and three (almost four) long years of coursework...what if I never finish this? What if everything I write is worthless causing my committee to lose complete faith in my prospects as a potential PhD candidate in UNL's Composition and Rhetoric program? It's overwhelming and is holding me back from being productive. For those of you who have been in my shoes, any advice on working through this?

2 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

A colleague of mine tweeted a link to this blog featuring a post titled: 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. Typically I avoid anything that appears to be a self-help column; I just don't enjoy reading about how to live a better life unless it's coming from the Bible. But because I respect this colleague, and she generally tweets about quality articles; I took a few minutes in between grading quizzes to skim through it. I don't agree with everything on this post, but there were two tips in particular that stuck out to me:

I am so guilty of this. Perfection runs deep in my blood. For as long as I can remember I've worked to be the best in whatever I do. In elementary school I devoted my free time to becoming the best gymnast; a few years down the line in high school, I spent hours at the track hurdling. This devotion eventually led to major injuries and burnout. By middle school, I was done being a gymnast. I had enough. My senior year of high school I tore a muscle in my hip and decided against surgery (because a large part of me was simply exhausted and wanted a break), ending my dreams of running collegiate track. Now my perfectionism has seeped into teaching. I've overwhelmed myself with trying to be the best in my career. And though I believe it's healthy to have personal drive, I fear that my anal mentality will be what drives me out of the teaching profession.

That last sentence segues nicely into this next tip. It's so hard not to desire to be everything to all 90 of my students. I want to reach EVERY kid. I know it's not realistic, but somehow I can't bring myself to come to grips with that fact. I also want to be regarded highly by my colleagues and peers; I want people to be able to come to me when they need help. But just between you and me, I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone. My husband often gets what's left of me at the end of a week (which isn't much!). That's not fair to him.

Despite the self-help nature of the post, these two tips give me something to chew on as I wind down one semester and begin to gear up for another....

Swallowed in Thesis Land

Tonight I read through UNL's Theses Guidebook and added deadlines to my calendar....and the gray hairs are now sprouting like crazy. I'm not sure I've ever felt this overwhelmed before. In addition to my thesis, I'm helping to plan two youth writing festivals, training for a marathon (WTF was I thinking?!?), planning for a course I'll be co-facilitating at UNL this June, teaching (duh), and still praying for an adoption placement.........I feel swallowed.....

Here's a basic outline for my thesis (modeled after the National Writing Project's Monograph Series):

I. Problem

a. Research surrounding the problem

b. The problem in my own classroom

II. Solutions

a. Research surrounding the solution

b. What I did to address the problem

III. Student work/community feedback

By the time I go back to school after Christmas break, I need to have the three highlighted sections finished. Which means my Fridays-Sundays and probably all of my holiday break will be filled with reading and writing. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. My class project and data collection will take place from January-March. Because the preliminary copy of my thesis is due to my committee the first week of June, I'll devote March-May to more writing. My oral exams will be during the last week of June then it's revising and filling out paperwork until July.

I am excited to write, research, and dive into academic work again (I do actually like doing this work...it's just the juggle of everything that's overwhelming) but am afraid of failing....and of the emotional meltdowns that are sure to come along the way.

So for now, it's to the books for me...

Blogging, Bacon, and Beer

This evening I carried in bags of ungraded quizzes and left behind 27 journals that need read, I have missed one training day this week, there's a sticky note to-do list on my laptop that seems to be growing longer and longer by the minute, the dust layer on the piano is getting mighty thick, the bed has gone unmade for days, I still don't have a location lined up for the 7-12 writing festival I'm supposed to be spearheading, my cough is hanging on strong, I have a presentation next week for some of my former high school teachers (scary!) that is not yet created, the stress of doing the coaches show for the first time (by myself because the head coach is out of town) tomorrow morning is hanging over my head, and my PLN blog is looking pretty sparse. Oh, and I haven't spent any time with my husband this week because I've spent my evenings coaching and grading. I came home in tears tonight and told my husband that I'm not sure I can be the best at everything. I can't be the best wife, teacher, coach, grad student, advocate for the NeWP, writer, runner, etc. I don't know what my problem is. A few weeks ago I made a personal vow to not be ruled by productivity. And here I am again, blogging, eating bacon and drinking a beer in my rickety rocking chair trying to calm myself down. I've run myself to the ground when I still have a marathon left.

It's not necessarily that I feel the need to be number one at everything I do. I have so many interests and so many things I want to invest in, but I can't possibly do my best (which is what I feel God wants us to do) at everything. I confess that I have placed my job first--way above my spiritual walk and my relationship with Nate. I've been a terrible friend and family member. I know there has to be a lifestyle change before bringing a child into our home, and since I don't know when that day will be, I feel the need to prep myself now. But what compromises do I make? There are obviously a few responsibilities and commitments that will stay: my relationship with Christ and my marriage. But how do I decide which role to cut back on?

I'm at an overwhelming crossroad in life...it's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. So, I'll continue to eat bacon. Just kidding. Actually, I think the first thing I must do is take a break...with my husband. All week I've been running and working, leaving Nate to do sink fulls of dishes. As much as it kills me to walk away from the 160 ungraded quizzes, 26 ungraded notebooks, unfinished lesson plans and projects, I will do that tonight. Tomorrow I'll hit the road running (literally since we have Saturday practice) at 6:30. I'm hoping a new day will help put things into perspective for me.