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Seasons greetings from the Helzers. |
| My fave photo of us from 2017 even though you can see all the fillings in my enormous mouth. |
2017 has been a terrible year, and we're happy it's almost over. In the last year, we...
had to replace two of our kitchen appliances in the same week that our dog of ten years, Sam, died. We continued to help our kids through tough traumas and losses. Trump is still president. White supremacists are emboldened, and our daughter is grappling with being one of a few black children in a sea of white children at school. Our son's trauma has twisted his brain so much that he believes if he is bad enough at home, then he will get to live with his birth parents again. This manifests itself in the form of constant sneaky behaviors. We've installed alarms on bedroom doors, locked up the medicines/knives/garage, and monitor the kids at all times.
Consequently, we've all started attending therapy. Some families fill their free time with extracurricular activities; we fill ours with therapy appointments! I started in on a regimen of anxiety medications to help settle my brain down. We have lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and anxiety since August, so we stay cloistered in our home where it's safe to cry and scream and throw things. Some of our friends and family send prayers, and others have sent meals; we are grateful for their support. But for the most part, we remain isolated from the world--our struggles tucked away like an emergency spare key. It was the year of hard things. We are surprised we are still standing.
But the other day when we were serving folks in need at a local church, my daughter saw a girl from school in line for food with her family. She left her post serving green beans and jumped in line so she could eat with her friend. She had no reservations about being on the other side of the table. My son dried dishes in the back and chatted it up with the church ladies like it was nothing for him. It wasn't a huge moment--just one Saturday in our lives, but I can't tell you how grateful I am for that moment.
For so many years I've longed for my family to be more normal. I've never considered that we are creating a new normal. And this normal, though it's hard: it's not all that bad. Sure, I still wish that my kids' old hurts would vanish; that they'd be whole and healed, but I guess I'm saying that I'm glad I get to love and support them even while they work these things out.
2017 may have been the year of hard things, but it was dotted with beauty. I pushed myself to a new distance and ran an ultramarathon with my best friend. I was accepted into a new MA in Social Justice program and am eager to learn. On the weekends, I continue to help folks in my community achieve their citizenship, and they teach me words in Spanish and Arabic and what it really means to work hard. My husband has found his niche teaching middle school and is learning how to be a principal. He helps his students deal with hard things like poverty, incarcerated parents, and living in foster care.
My son has grown even more curious about the world and is devouring history books and news articles and facts about presidents. He's making lists of the places he wants to visit someday but is finding peace and comfort in our home with a family that is his forever. He gives us a hug nearly every morning when he crawls out of bed.
My daughter has declared herself the defender of the vulnerable. She befriends new kids at school and plays with those who are lonely. She's started taking pages and pages of notes at church and is proud to show them to us each Sunday. Jesus is real to her. She's found a hobby that she is talented in, art. She spends hours watching YouTube videos learning how to draw and then tapes her artwork up all over the house. It's beautiful.
But most of all, we have grown closer to Jesus. We've learned he is not a two-dimensional historical figure or some bearded white guy in the sky. Jesus has never before felt more real and present to us. We don't understand all of the theological nuances surrounding our faith, but we know Jesus' mercy, and we'll continue trying to extend that same mercy to others.
2017 has definitely been a crap year, and I am not sad to see it come to a close. We may be bruised, but we know we're not abandoned. We're looking ahead to new mercies in 2018, and we hope you are, too. Wishing you and yours love and light this holiday season.
Peace,
d.
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