This evening I carried in bags of ungraded quizzes and left behind 27 journals that need read, I have missed one training day this week, there's a sticky note to-do list on my laptop that seems to be growing longer and longer by the minute, the dust layer on the piano is getting mighty thick, the bed has gone unmade for days, I still don't have a location lined up for the 7-12 writing festival I'm supposed to be spearheading, my cough is hanging on strong, I have a presentation next week for some of my former high school teachers (scary!) that is not yet created, the stress of doing the coaches show for the first time (by myself because the head coach is out of town) tomorrow morning is hanging over my head, and my PLN blog is looking pretty sparse. Oh, and I haven't spent any time with my husband this week because I've spent my evenings coaching and grading. I came home in tears tonight and told my husband that I'm not sure I can be the best at everything. I can't be the best wife, teacher, coach, grad student, advocate for the NeWP, writer, runner, etc. I don't know what my problem is. A few weeks ago I made a personal vow to not be ruled by productivity. And here I am again, blogging, eating bacon and drinking a beer in my rickety rocking chair trying to calm myself down. I've run myself to the ground when I still have a marathon left.
It's not necessarily that I feel the need to be number one at everything I do. I have so many interests and so many things I want to invest in, but I can't possibly do my best (which is what I feel God wants us to do) at everything. I confess that I have placed my job first--way above my spiritual walk and my relationship with Nate. I've been a terrible friend and family member. I know there has to be a lifestyle change before bringing a child into our home, and since I don't know when that day will be, I feel the need to prep myself now. But what compromises do I make? There are obviously a few responsibilities and commitments that will stay: my relationship with Christ and my marriage. But how do I decide which role to cut back on?
I'm at an overwhelming crossroad in life...it's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. So, I'll continue to eat bacon. Just kidding. Actually, I think the first thing I must do is take a break...with my husband. All week I've been running and working, leaving Nate to do sink fulls of dishes. As much as it kills me to walk away from the 160 ungraded quizzes, 26 ungraded notebooks, unfinished lesson plans and projects, I will do that tonight. Tomorrow I'll hit the road running (literally since we have Saturday practice) at 6:30. I'm hoping a new day will help put things into perspective for me.