10/31/10

Adoption musings



Author's Notes: I'm not really sure what the point of this post is...it's just musings on our situation, I guess. It's not eloquent. I am a firm believer that God bring us into situations for a reason---I honestly think part of his plan for me is to relate to or reach out to others who might be experiencing something similar, and I do think blogging is a great way to fulfill this purpose. Oh, and it might help to watch the movie trailer before reading this post.

Yesterday my husband and I went to see the new movie, Life As We Know It. It was a cute movie that we both really enjoyed. It really got me thinking this weekend about our adoption journey. You'd think that this would be the only thing on my mind, but the truth is, I haven't had much time to just sit and process the situation. Actually---part of me thinks that I don't give myself time to process through it all because I don't want to find myself getting emotional over it. The past two years have been an emotional roller coaster--and I'm sick of riding it. So, I tend to avoid situations that would make me emotional.

Nevertheless, I took some time this weekend to think through our adoption "stuff" (I don't even know what to call what we're doing....). There are so many thoughts in my mind right now. Part way through the movie yesterday I started bawling just thinking that I might never be able to have biological children. Thoughts like this just creep into my mind every now and then. I don't think it's right to push them out, I think that I need to let them surface and then just deal with it...let the emotions run their course.

The movie also got me thinking about what a blessing it will be to adopt. To think that we could be parents to children who really need us is incredible. I have such a strong desire to raise children in a Godly home, to provide them with a solid foundation.

Though I want to fill my home with children, part of me is afraid for how our lives will change when that day does come. The couple in the movie struggled with adjusting to this new responsibility (as do most new parents) and had to sacrifice quite a lot. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to make changes and sacrifices. But--a small part of me wonders, am I ready for this? Am I ready to give up some of my freedom? Am I ready to give up spur of the moment hiking trips? Will I be able to find a balance between my family and my career? There's a scene in the movie where Josh Duhamel's character is rocking the baby he just acquired, and stressed about his situation he sings a line from Radiohead's, Creep..."What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here..." Though I know that I'd sacrifice freedom, hiking trips, and my career for the blessing of a child, I still worry about having those "what the hell am I doing here" moments. Parenthood seems to be a beautiful burden, for sure.

If you're a praying person---here are a few requests:

1. Patience---there are days where my patience really wears thin. I hate thinking that it might be another two-five years before we can invite a child into our home. So please pray that God would just calm my heart and help me to focus on what is good and holy; pray that he would use this time to refine me and cause me to experience true intimacy with Him.

2. The process/anxiety--we are early in the process. We sent off our initial batch of paperwork a little over a week ago and are waiting for the intake coordinator to schedule an interview with us. This is very new, so we are a bit anxious as we wait for the process to unfold.

Thanks for reading. We'll keep you posted as things start to unfold.

2 comments:

Mrs. Peters said...

Thanks so much for sharing your journey. Chad (my husband) and I having been dealing with the trying to have children/infertility process for almost three years now, so I can definitely relate to what you're going through. In addition, we're at least 10 years older than you! (not that that helps your feelings any) I appreciate you being so open and sharing your adoption journey. We currently are working with a great reproductive clinic in Omaha, but may pursue adoption in the future. It's encouraging to hear about your process.

I'm also praying for you (started when I read your initial adoption post). I'm there with you on the wanting children badly, but still not knowing how I'll be able to deal with some of the changes that will bring. I'll pray for patience and peace for you, and would appreciate it if you'd do the same for me! :)

Liz

Danielle said...

Liz--
I will for sure be praying for you and your husband!

Blessings,
D.