Working Through Insecurities

I am an extremely insecure person. I like to think that I appear as a confident, strong woman who knows where she is going in life. But---the more I experience life, the more I realize I am not this person. I am more of an anxiety-filled dreamer who has no clue what she wants to do with her life! Here are a few of my insecurities:

• Coaching---I have NO idea what I'm doing. I don't really know how to coach kids, and I don't know a lot about the physiological aspects of running. Though I really enjoyed my time with XC this year, I had a lot of anxieties during the season due to my lack of knowledge.
  
• Teaching--I second guess myself a lot. Should I teach composition alongside literature? Am I inspiring my students to be active, considerate, and caring people? Should I be doing more with grammar? How can I teach writing more effectively? Am I too hard on my students? Questions like this swirl in my mind all day...
• My role as a wife--There have been many moments where I have had insecurities about my physical appearance and moments where I've questioned if I really fit that mold of what a wife should act like....this is partly due to my lack of femininity.
• My future--As I near the end of my master's program, I feel like I need to make a decision on what to do next. PhD? Keep teaching? Do I want to be a stay at home mom?
  
• How I will be as a mom---Though we don't even have kids yet, starting the adoption process has made me stop and wonder---will I be a good mom? Sometimes I can barely handle my classroom, how will I be able to handle my own kids?!? Since we're not having children the "natural" way--will I have that motherly instinct that other women have?

It's numbing to think about all of these. It's funny because I'm actually typing this while sitting on the floor of the unfinished part of our basement---it's cold, dark, and gloomy, and it fits my mood perfectly. These insecurities have really affected me this year; they've caused me a lot of late nights. But---as I've worked through these insecurities, I've learned one thing: God is bigger than all of them. Incredible! Here are a few verses that have been a huge comfort to me in my time of anxiety--Hopefully if you're experiencing something similar, the verses will be encouraging to you:

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." --Psalm 37:5

"So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we ear?' These tings dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow ill bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." --Matthew 6:31-34

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:6-7

Speaking (and living) with conviction

Author's Note: Sorry for my brevity in this post--it's also a little raw around the edges. Maybe I'll get to clean it up later. Thanks for reading!




A fellow teacher sent me this video and I really liked it. Though it's funny, I think it speaks volumes about a lot of issues. What comes to my mind first is: How often do we speak with conviction? I'd like to think that I do this often, but in the last few days I've caught myself turning my declarative sentences into interrogative ones. And now that I think about it, I tend to second-guess myself a lot in daily conversation. I don't speak with enough confidence. Now, there's a fine line to be drawn between speaking with conviction and arrogance. Nobody likes an arrogant person. But, what benefit is there in speaking with conviction? I often wonder, do people know what my passions are? Do I speak and live in a way that make my passions evident to all around me? I'm not sure that I do...(I'm not trying to have a pity party here, I am truly just thinking) It's time for me to buck up and really speak with and live a life of conviction.

The second issue that comes to mind is: bandwagons. It's so easy to jump on a bandwagon--be it in fashion, music tastes, choices we make, or speech patterns. But what are we truly gaining by following, by jumping on bandwagons?

Work Cited:
Mali, Taylor. "Speak With Conviction Poem." Tangle. n.d. Web. 11 Oct. 2010.

Teachers Who Made A Difference: What's Your Story?

As I browsed my newsfeed on Facebook today, I stumbled across a blog post on NPR called Teachers Who Made A Difference: What's Your Story? The post asks readers to post a tid-bit about a teacher who impacted their lives. After reading through two pages of posts, I was inspired to write my own:

At times, high school was a bit rough for me. I was a free-spirited kid who resited any sign of conformity and sought creative opportunities. For the most part, I worked hard in my classes but there were only a few teachers that truly motivated me intrinsically: My 11th grade American Lit. teacher and Journalism teacher, Ms. Beecher; my high school choir director, Mr. Ritter; and my 12th grade Composition teacher, Mrs. Kluth.

Ms. Beecher used my free-spirited nature when studying Emerson, Thoreau, and Hesse and always pushed me to think deeper about topics. She noticed my passion for writing and encouraged me to join the newspaper staff---and then allowed me to try my hand at writing several different types of news stories. But the one moment that sticks out most to me is the day I walked into class crying during my junior year. I wasn't a crier, but it was one of those days that pushed me over the edge. Instead of ignoring me or telling me to go pull myself together, she took me out in the hall, gave me a tissue, and asked what was wrong. She listened to me---even though she had a class full of students, she listened to me.

Mr. Ritter was not only my choir director, but he is also my best friend's dad so I got to know him in a different capacity. However--what I admired most about him was his boldness. He was bold in his faith, bold in his teaching, and he always did what he thought was right even if it went against popular opinion.

Mrs. Kluth had a dry sense about her. She was a cut-to-the-chase, no-nonsense kind of teacher who demanded that each student work to his/her full potential. But she also knew when to let down her hair and have fun. We worked our tails off for her because we didn't want to let her down.

All three of these teachers have shaped me into the person I am today and have inspired me to be the best teacher that I can possibly be.