2017: Keep Breathing

I love lists and goals, but I've never been much of a new year's resolution person. Perhaps this is because I'm already fairly driven and determined. I'm never okay with being complacent, and once I decide I want to do something, I am sure to get it done.

However, while listening to one of my favorite podcasts, The Sorta Awesome Show, I discovered that some people establish words or phrases to guide their year instead of more traditional new year's resolutions (seriously, I'm so behind on the times). I'm a word person, so something like this really appeals to me. I thought I'd try it out for 2017 since 2016 just makes my stomach turn a bit.

I know it may be a cliche, but 2016 was fraught with hard times. We helped friends and family through some tough stuff this year including marital turmoil, career disappointments, miscarriage, death, illness, dreams deferred (shout out to my man, Langston Hughes for that phrase). It seems like every month we were walking a friend or family member through something tough. Add to this our own dose of difficulties, a toxic election cycle, and contentious current events. My highly empathetic self is just depleted. I feel like I've been holding my breath for an entire year. My shoulders and back ache, and I find myself having to deliberately unclench my body. So, my phrase for 2017 is Keep breathing.

Sayonara 2015

One of my favorite songs lately has been "I'm Alive" by Kasey Chambers (warning: there is some strong language toward the end of the song if you're sensitive to that kind of thing). I went to visit a friend today in a neighboring town, and on the way home I blasted songs that I could sing to--including this one one by Kasey Chambers. And as I listened and sang at the top of my lungs, I realized that this might be my anthem as I say sayonara to 2015 and am plunged headlong into 2016.

2015 brought us many moments of joy--namely, adopting our daughter. But overall, it was a rough year.

For the first time in several years, Nate and I managed to stay awake until midnight on New Years Eve. We laid side by side in bed and talked as we usually do before falling asleep. We talked about 2015 and the year ahead, and we both agreed that 2015 was the most difficult year of our nearly 10 years of marriage. "You thought this year was worse than the year we found out we were infertile?" I asked. "Uh, yes," he quickly retorted. Yup...2015 was worse than the year our hopes and dreams were shattered....that's a crappy year, folks.

On my drive home today I thought about everything that made 2015 so difficult: figuring out how to be a sudden family of four, trying to parent our kids through some intense attachment issues, stepping away from a job I loved (teaching) to have more time for a job I'm not so good at (parenting), an unexpected job change for my husband, a move to a new town, starting over in a new town without people who grew to be my support system, and realizing that I am no longer a kid (I haven't been a kid for nearly ten years....but, it just finally hit me this year!). All of this has taken a toll on me, on my husband, on our marriage, and on our family. There were moments in 2015 that brought me to my knees in tears, and moments that I'd like to eliminate forever from my memory. It was a tough year for us, but....in the interest of practicing optimism (something my cynical nature usually avoids), I'm alive. In the Kasey Chambers song I mentioned, the last verse starts with the following:

"I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
am alive and I am well
and I got me another chance
and I got more stories to tell..."

So there you have it. 2015 sucked, but I'm alive and well. Hope you all are alive and well and have stories to tell as we move into 2016.