It's been awhile since I last posted about the subject of adoption and infertility. It's also been a long time since I sat at a computer with headphones squashed in my ears....but Nate's doing the dishes and watching some cop show, and I needed peace (music) and a place to set my Bible. So I'm at the kitchen table---with headphones in my ears, writing about adoption and infertility--a topic I've been avoiding since December when we were closer than we have ever been to growing our family.
For the past few weeks, adoption has been creeping into my thoughts and prayers more. Throughout the day (and at the most random of times) I find myself growing weary about the waiting...my morning prayers often drift towards the topic as I pray for hearts of couples facing unplanned pregnancies to be open to adoption. And today during my morning quiet time, I read a few passages about waiting--something I know well but am not fond of.
Psalm 40 was one of those passages that struck me, specifically the beginning. David writes, "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God" (Psalm 40: 1-3). I'm thankful for my Bible's footnotes; because at 6:30 in the morning, I tend to a miss a few things. My footnote reads: "[...] David received four benefits from waiting [I bolded and underlined them in the verse above]. Often blessings cannot be received unless we go through the trial of waiting."
Of course, I began thinking about the blessings we've received while we've waited. The list is long...but I think the most significant is my learned dependency on Christ. In all the heart wrenching moments we've experienced in the last three years, I've turned to various outlets: friends, family, a busy schedule, alcohol (for a short time)---to bring me comfort. And while most of my friends and family tried hard and were sympathetic, nothing satisfied me or brought me peace like Christ. I went through a season where I questioned God and nearly turned my back on Him. Why would a merciful, all-knowing, all-powerful God not step in when I'm in this much pain? was all I could think....I'm trying to identify the changing moment for me--but I can't think of what it was the made me drop this mindset. Honestly, I think I was just sick of wallowing. It was exhausting. When I finally stopped going to bed right after work, and when I realized that alcohol was providing only a temporary relief from the pain I felt, then I could open my heart to accepting that God had other plans for us. It's been the most difficult season of my life, but I'm not sure that I'd trade it even for a child. God makes us strong in our weaknesses (2 Cor. 12:8-10), and like my footnotes read, sometimes we need to endure waiting in order to be blessed. Child or no child...I am blessed.
So, like David, I'll wait. And while I'll wait, I'll try not to dwell on what I don't have, but praise God for what He has given me.