Mom guilt

My friend Amee is a stay at home mom of two littles. She has the patience of Mother Theresa and the creativity of Martha Stewart (minus the criminal streak). She cooks healthy foods, has a nice smelling home, plays with her kids, and does it all while looking like a million bucks. I admire her. After being home for a good chunk of the summer with Jon, I realized how ill equipped I am to be a stay at home mom. I'm just too selfish. I found myself "fake" playing cars each day, half-heartedly looking for Jon in the same hiding place for each round of hide and seek and faking being surprised when I found him there, and just being snippy. I need time each day that is just me--time to read, write, think, create. When I don't get this time, I become rather unpleasant. Work tends to be my outlet. It's where I am challenged and sharpened. Unfortunately, it's also where most of my stress comes from. A few nights ago Jon and I flipped through photo albums and for the first time since we've had him, I become aware of just how fast the time has gone. As the photos flipped on, Jon's face lost the baby chub in his cheeks that he had when he first moved in with us. I started taking inventory of all the things he can now do on his own that he couldn't do a year ago: brush his teeth by himself, make his bed, reach the sink without a step stool, change the toilet paper roll, read, tie his shoes....seriously. I wondered then how many moments I had missed because of work or spoiled because of being stressed from work. I thought about what it would be like to work full time with two children (should our family expand)....and then I just felt guilty. It's the curse of all moms I think to feel guilty about some aspect of their parenting. I hate that my family often does not get the best of me, and I feel guilty for "indulging" myself in work. I wish I could just grow a pair and try the whole stay at home mom thing even if it was just part-time. Great thoughts for the beginning of a school year, folks...

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