Mother's Day

Ah, it's been a while since I blogged. This motherhood business has obviously forced me to adjust my priorities a bit. Hence, not a lot of writing going on here. I'm actually doing some writing, but much of it is processing through our recent adoption and the losses our little guy has experienced through the process. I've actually been writing about it, but that writing is just too much for a space so public. Something I've been meaning to write about, though, is Mother's Day.

Today I joined J-man at school for "Muffins with Mom." The kids served us muffins while we sat awkwardly on tiny chairs, read us a poem, sang us some songs, presented us with some handmade gifts, and then the moms got to pick out a book to read to our little people. It really was a great morning, and I held back tears much of the morning as I was overwhelmed with love for my little boy. But I also couldn't help but wonder about J's birth mom...our contact with her has really fallen off. We've written letters and sent pictures to get no response. I never know if I should keep sending the updates or if I should back off. I've contemplated sending her a card for Mother's Day, but I just don't know if that would be too much like rubbing salt in a wound. Sometimes I think of what I would want, and then I realize that what she wants and what I want are likely two different scenarios.

I'm so thankful God gave us J, but it's heartbreaking to know that J was removed from his biological parents' care...for various reasons, we don't talk much about his birth parents. And really, he doesn't either. Once every three or four months, he'll say something about one of them. When J gave me the book he made about all the things he loves to do with me (his mom), I couldn't help but wonder if, when he was making it, he thought first or at all about his birth mom. It would be fine with me if he did, I don't feel like a second-place mom or anything, but I just wonder what goes through his mind on holidays like Mother's and Father's Day. I wonder if he thinks about them more than he lets us know.

I don't know what J's birth mom is up to. I'm not sure where she's at physically, mentally, or emotionally. I don't know how she'll spend her Mother's Day. I do hope she thinks of Jonathan, and I hope she knows he is loved.

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